Consent is a topic on many lips, and rightly so. In South Africa at the moment we have a huge problem with a lack of consent and people trampling on or over others boundaries. This is in connection to our high stats of rape, murder and abuse. Consent does not only apply to sex and it's something that should be taught to children from little so that they understand the concept. It's basic respect 101. Our world functions on boundaries and some don't get a yes/no option otherwise we put ourselves and others at risk or in danger. They are there to be complied with and if not there are consequences that follow. When it comes to personal boundaries of those around us, the easiest thing to do is ask permission.
The focus of this particular blog is more about consent with regards to touch. A frightening stat in South Africa at the moment is that 34% of our children will be victims of sexual violence and physical abuse before they turn 18. We need all to have life skills for protection in this area.
In teaching our children about respect and empathy, there is so much we can do from a young age. It really all comes down to their moral development and character and values that are instilled. Things like talking about feelings and being able to identify and express what they are feeling. Being able to read other people's feelings too. Imagining themselves in other people's shoes is a critical life skill in learning some empathy. Learning what is acceptable and unacceptable in our world. The way we treat others and the way we speak to others is vitally important. We need to teach that we treat others how we would like to be treated. I was watching a young toddler hit his Mom in the face consistently and she hardly reacted. I made a comment about being kind to his Mom and still no reaction from either. Little things can become big problems later on. Delayed gratification is another key element. It's ok to say no and wait to a child. Getting what they want when they want it also spirals into bigger problems later on.
We need to also be aware of not stepping over our children's boundaries and respect their no. When it comes to tickling, wrestling, hugging, kissing etc these all need consent to be taken into account. Read their body language and don't ignore their plea to stop. This is so important as they are learning from you and how to engage with the world. If it is ignored they might internalise that their no is not important and neither is other people's no's because this adult parent who I trust doesn't seem to think it's important. One can see how dangerous this is. We also don't want to expose them to harmful stuff as this is a safety boundary, so, things like pornography and age restricted movies would come into this.
Having many conversations with your children that are age appropriate about consent, like their bodies belong to them and other people's bodies belong to them. That I am allowed to say no to unwanted physical affection/touch, like kisses, hugs and sitting on laps of family members and others. Teach them to respect other people's no towards them. Teach them to read emotions and body language and ask before touching. Help them practice some 'fierce body positions' when they say no, very loudly and clearly - this will make them feel powerful in their bodies. Keep the balance between staying safe and still showing respect to people, but knowing that if they are in danger that their safety becomes more important than respect.
Speak about safe and unsafe touch and personal body space, about private clothing and parts and using correct terminology for body parts. The Protective Behaviours Programme teaches all these concepts very comprehensively. Find a place where your child can attend the course or go through the training yourself as a parent. Help them create a network of people that they can talk to about anything and especially if someone violates one of their boundaries.
We all need to know how to react, respond and do something if we see consent being overridden and where to go for help. The more we talk and teach safety concepts, the more confidence will build and the less chance that people will freeze and then not go for help. Silence allows abuse to continue. Teach the concept of safe and unsafe secrets.
It is never a joke to not respect a touch boundary that someone has put in place. Don't go ahead and do it anyway. Respect what they have asked for and take them seriously. Saying 'it was just a joke' afterwards is never ok. Ask first if you can touch and if you do hug, please let go. Don't make people feel uncomfortable by holding on.
There are so many ways to greet people without full frontal hugs and kisses - there are side hugs, fist pump, handshake, high 5, wave, smile and words. We certainly don't have to be rude while practicing consent in our world. And we need to learn it both ways so that we stay safe and that we don't turn into perpetrators.
It is so very vital to have these conversations on consent with our children so that they are fore-armed and prepared to stay as safe as possible in our world. Predators are not asking children or anyone for consent, they are manipulating and walking over boundaries. Don't shield your kids from learning how to be safe, because in the long run you are exposing them, not protecting them. There are people out there who have set up, tried and tested methods to ride right over consent. They are clever, manipulative and highly deceitful. Let's put ours, our children's and other people's safety as our number one priority and practice consent in our world.
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