Flowing outlet or stagnant tank

 

I wrote this piece during level 5 lockdown when I was seeing a lot of my garden with walking 17 laps on a daily basis. I tried to find new things to photograph and enjoy on a daily basis. Sometimes it was an analogy.

We have a water tank in our back garden. It collects water from the run off on the corner of the roof. But it has no natural or easy outlet at the moment. It needs a connection at the bottom that we can then attach a hosepipe to. If I want to use the water inside, I have to fill back breaking buckets full, hence it pretty much gets ignored.

Guess what the insides look like? Black, slimy sludge. 

The dictionary says this of stagnant water: A body of water in a confined space having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence.

Stagnate means no activity. It got me thinking to the Christian life and what happens when we stagnate. This past Sunday our pastor preached on James 2 - Faith and Deeds, and it prompted me to finish  putting this blog together. When we stagnate we stop developing, stop growing, progressing or advancing. Our mind goes to sleep. When we are without current or circulation we become unproductive,ineffective, sluggish and dull. 

No outlet means no freshness, no new life and vitality is lost. We become bored, stop learning and don't use our skills and talents. That tank is no good without an outlet, it smells and is probably a breeding ground for all sorts of undesirable things like mosquitoes and moss. Idle hands and idle minds are a space for evil to flourish.

It was interesting to see during lockdown in South Africa how it was easy to have less activity taking place. It was unusual times and rest was necessary for many. It's okay to stop and rest a while and not engage, but we can't stay there. It's not healthy for us.

As people we generally like action on the part of others. People who have important jobs and positions - we want action. Just think how we have had these expectations of our President in response to Covid-19. It's an expectation in our world.

God speaks about being active in his service. He is not slow to act. We are told in James that faith without works is dead, like a literal rotting corpse. Look at the inside of that tank - imagine if that's what we want the world to see our faith as? God says do not become weary in doing good. He also says, renew your mind, obey my commands, follow me, come to me, help others, tell the good news, worship, do acts of service, pray for others, present your requests, go into all the world, make fishers of men, give, love one another, serve others, encourage others, run the race, work out your salvation, read his word, sing, make music, dance! That's a pretty active life that he expects us to live.

There are always spaces for surrender, but surrender, letting go, being still, resting and trusting God are not the same as inactivity. It is an active choice to let go and surrender.

There have been times where I have watered the nearby plants by taking bucket fulls of water out of the tank. Then it creates newness and life. (My neighbour has actually offered to install an outlet at some point.)

What's filling you? Where's your outlet? As we were asked on Sunday, how's your heart? and how are you living as someone saved with the gift of eternal life? Our faith should have a natural working out with fruits in the way we live.
'Faith is active, it is activating and it is lived out.' (Trevor Anderson)

We need to be a channel of blessing to those around us. Are we bringing life, the aroma of Christ or are we just stinking up the place?

There's life inside of all of us, but it's no good if there's no outlet. How do you allow God to flow in, through and out of you? We can't depend on others to do it for us. If it is to be, it's up to me. Our faith should naturally lead to works of service. It validates and authenticates the faith we profess.

One thing lockdown has done is show the vast difference between those who have and those who don't. There have been and still are many hungry people around us. People in our City and country have risen to this occasion in amazing ways in passing on clothing, bedding, household items and food. We don't have to look far to find needs at the moment. We should never be bored - there is always something to do in reaching out to others in their time of need and show people what the Kingdom of God is all about.

We cannot tire in doing good as lockdown continues and beyond. There will always be many practical ways you can stay like an overflowing outlet of God's love, life, mercy and justice to those around you.

Well-worn paths

It's lockdown in South Africa at the moment because of the COVID-19 pandemic that has swept across our world. It has caused all sorts of different activities to surface as people are not able to go out unless they need food or medical care. South Africa has been one of the countries with the strictest restrictions with people not even being allowed out to walk their dogs. Some people came up with the idea of doing a marathon in your property over the 21 day lockdown, which means at the very least doing 2km per day. For most this is quite a few laps around your house or garden, for me it's 17 laps.

The other day my son pointed out the paths around the yard of where we had been running and I took a photo, and as I looked at the photo, a whole lot of thoughts came to mind (one being that I hope we don't create trenches before lockdown is over), hence this blog.

God often speaks to me through analogies and I love how the messages stay with me because there's generally a picture or image involved. I am a visual learner - He knows that. It also reminds me of how Jesus used parables when he was here on earth.

As a person keeps walking through the same trail, it becomes a well-worn path... a clear way to go forward. Now, although our garden looks a bit like a jungle at the moment, because we were unable to get the grass cutting guys in before lockdown, I really don't think anyone is going to come and do a trail hike there anytime soon, but I know I have always appreciated when out on a trail or hike and it's visible to see that there have been many before on the same path and so they have created something that is clear to see where to go.

It first of all reminded me of a song we used to sing that had the word ancient paths in it and I went to Google and the Bible to try find some correlating verses. Interestingly I found something written by a man named Nick who was commenting on Psalm 119 with its' 176 verses. he was saying how every verse is a variation of saying the same thing, about how much the writer loves God's law, but each is still different. Jeremiah 6:16 says this, 'Stand at the crossroads and look, ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.'

God's Word has been around a long time, but it still offers the same that it offered when it first came from the mouth of God. It gives us direction, hope, comfort and shows us how to live a holy and righteous life. Each word is a well-worn path that shows us a clear way forward. Psalm 119:1 says 'Those whose way is blameless, who walk in the Lord's instruction, are truly happy.'

The other thing that has been spoken about a lot because of lockdown is habits. Many people know and agree that it takes 21 days to create a new habit, so many people were looking to do that. Habits are things that we do repeatedly until they don't become work anymore, they just become normal and a part of us. 

I have read a lot from the writings of Dr Caroline Leaf, a neuroscientist who has put such a new spin on how our brains work that she has made many realise how you really can change what goes on inside your brain. We have a network of 'branches' in our brains and our thoughts are attached to these branches. Our repetitive thoughts (well-worn paths) create grooves in our brain and we can get stuck by having bad thoughts and feel captive to them. (bad habits) With over 60 000 thoughts per day, it's quite important that we make them good and helpful ones. 

So how do we create new habits or better thoughts if we have bad habits or unhelpful ones? 21 days of a new thought or habit is the only way to do it. We cannot unlearn in a vacuum, we have to replace that which we don't want. Dr. leaf suggests that sometimes you need to do another 21 days detox if you haven't changed the belief or habit after the first 21 days. It's another case of well-worn paths.There's an interesting process that happens inside your brain as you change your focus - there's a kind of 'brain glue' that holds our thoughts in place to the various branches or networks. As you start to use deep thinking and change your focus to a new and better thought, it loosens the 'glue' and then it moves to the new thought to hold it in place the more you focus on it. It really is like changing pictures in your brain. Fascinating.

The big question I suppose is what do we want in our thoughts, habits and actions? We become what we repeatedly do. I am thankful for some good well-worn paths in my life, things that have been to my benefit, the primary one being my relationship with God and reading His word over and over again until it is wired into my brain. It has been a lamp and a light to my path.

Consent Matters

Updated - 22nd April 2025. This blog was written 6 years ago. Unfortunately we still have a high level of abusive behaviour taking place in our world. We have just had people take to the streets in South Africa shouting for justice for Cwecwe. The need for preventative safety education (as well as necessary movement in our justice system) has become imperative for everyone, children and adults, if we are going to push back against this scourge in our world.

What is hugely concerning is hearing conversations from other parts of our world where empathy is seen as something bad and consent not necessary to discuss and teach. As you will read in the blog that follows, that both these concepts are vital if we are going to beat abuse of children and adults. Empathy is crucial in this process as it demonstrates care and understanding. It allows people to feel seen, heard and valued. It allows them to freely and fully consent to an action. Empathy creates a safe space for that decision to be made without any coercion. Empathy brings trust into the equation too. It is also important for the person to understand what they are agreeing to. They must also feel completely free to change their minds at any time. Our personal choices and boundaries are always going to be important and necessary to stay as safe as possible in our not so safe world. These need to be respected, while at the same time respecting the personal choices and boundaries of those around us.

When it comes to consent, the law changed in South Africa in 2024. Section 56 (1A) of our Sexual Offences Act was amended (Thanks to the work of The Embrace Project and Inge Holztrager). Instead of perpetrators trying to explain away their victim not saying no or thinking they said yes, it is now not a valid defense for that accused person to rely on a subjective belief that the complainant was consenting to the conduct in question. They now have to prove there was a yes and that they took objectively reasonable steps to ascertain that the complainant consented to the sexual conduct in question. So we are always looking for an informed, clear and enthusiastic yes, otherwise it is not consent.  

Original Blog from Oct 2019
Consent is a topic on many lips, and rightly so. In South Africa at the moment we have a huge problem with a lack of consent and people trampling on or over others boundaries. This is in connection to our high stats of rape, murder and abuse. Consent does not only apply to sex and it's something that should be taught to children from little so that they understand the concept. It's basic respect 101. Our world functions on boundaries and some don't get a yes/no option otherwise we put ourselves and others at risk or in danger. They are there to be complied with and if not there are consequences that follow. When it comes to personal boundaries of those around us, the easiest thing to do is ask permission.

The focus of this particular blog is more about consent with regards to touch. A frightening stat in South Africa at the moment is that about 34% (1 in 3) of our children will be victims of sexual violence and physical abuse before they turn 18. We need all to have life skills for protection in this area.

In teaching our children about respect and empathy, there is so much we can do from a young age. It really all comes down to their moral development and character and values that are instilled. Things like talking about feelings and being able to identify and express what they are feeling. Being able to read other people's feelings too. Imagining themselves in other people's shoes is a critical life skill in learning some empathy. Learning what is acceptable and unacceptable in our world. The way we treat others and the way we speak to others is vitally important. We need to teach that we treat others how we would like to be treated. I was watching a young toddler hit his Mom in the face consistently and she hardly reacted. I made a comment about being kind to his Mom and still no reaction from either. Little things can become big problems later on. Delayed gratification is another key element. It's ok to say no and wait to a child. Getting what they want when they want it also spirals into bigger problems later on.

We need to also be aware of not stepping over our children's boundaries and respect their no. When it comes to tickling, wrestling, hugging, kissing etc these all need consent to be taken into account. Read their body language and don't ignore their plea to stop. This is so important as they are learning from you and how to engage with the world. If it is ignored they might internalise that their no is not important and neither is other people's no's because this adult parent who I trust doesn't seem to think it's important. One can see how dangerous this is. We also don't want to expose them to harmful stuff as this is a safety boundary, so, things like pornography and age restricted movies would come into this.

Having many conversations with your children that are age appropriate about consent, like, their bodies belong to them and other people have control over their own bodies. That I am allowed to say no to unwanted physical affection/touch, like kisses, hugs and sitting on laps of family members and others. Teach them to respect other people's 'no' towards them. Teach them to read emotions and body language and ask before touching. Help them practice some 'fierce body positions' when they say no, very loudly and clearly - this will make them feel powerful in their bodies. Keep the balance between staying safe and still showing respect to people, but knowing that if they are in danger that their safety becomes more important than respect.

Speak about safe and unsafe touch and personal body space, about private clothing and body parts and using correct terminology for body parts. Teaching about choice and control is also very important. When we take choice and control away from other people, it makes them vulnerable and open to exploitation. The Protective Behaviours Programme teaches all these concepts very comprehensively. Find a place where your child can attend the course or go through the training yourself as a parent. Help them create a network of people that they can talk to about anything and especially if someone violates one of their boundaries.

We all need to know how to react, respond and do something if we see consent being overridden and where to go for help. The more we talk and teach safety concepts, the more confidence will build and the less chance that people will freeze and then not go for help. Silence allows abuse to continue. Teach the concept of safe and unsafe secrets.

It is never a joke to not respect a touch boundary that someone has put in place. Don't go ahead and do it anyway. Respect what they have asked for and take them seriously. Saying 'it was just a joke' afterwards is never ok. Ask first if you can touch and if you do hug, please let go. Don't make people feel uncomfortable by holding on.

There are so many ways to greet people without full frontal hugs and kisses - there are side hugs, fist pump, handshake, high 5, wave, smile and words. We certainly don't have to be rude while practicing consent in our world. And we need to learn it both ways so that we stay safe and that we don't turn into perpetrators.

It is so very vital to have these conversations on consent with our children so that they are fore-armed and prepared to stay as safe as possible in our world. Predators are not asking children or anyone for consent, they are manipulating and walking over boundaries. Don't shield your kids from learning how to be safe, because in the long run you are exposing them, not protecting them. There are people out there who have set up, tried and tested methods to ride right over consent. They are clever, manipulative and highly deceitful. Let's put ours, our children's and other people's safety as our number one priority and practice consent in our world.

Daily reminder for humility

Daily reminder for humility

A small traffic circle has 4 of these, meaning 'yield, give way' as an instruction to each and every person approaching the circle. Not one person gets right of way automatically, so, it technically should function like a 4-way stop where, first arriving, gets to go first. (Bigger traffic circles have the rules of yield to traffic from the right.)

Traffic circles, such as these, are a perfect place for all people in the approaching vehicles to practice humility, because arrogance doesn't work.

David Marcum and Steven Smith put it this way, 'humility is a quiet strength and genuine confidence, tempered with graciousness. It is we-centric, not me-centric, and it deflects attention and credit rather than desperately grasping for it.'

The Bible puts it this way in Colossians3:12 'Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.'

Muscle memory, brain training and changing mindsets

My brain was exploding with analogies while on the treadmill at the gym today. A few months back I had made some voice notes (also while on the treadmill) on the same topic, but have just not had the time to put it all together. This is my one plop of thought (on a particular angle) in a huge ocean of thought and ideas out there. I love social media and interact with a wide variety of people on various topics, specifically on Facebook. The topic of racism comes up often and unfortunately when an incident happens, it's like many people dissolve into a puddle of rage and anger with comments of 'not again' and wanting every harsh consequence in the book thrown at the person/people, but then not much is done to speak about how could that have been handled better? or what is a better way forward? It seems to just leave people with their boiling anger and going nowhere. We need to get out of that puddle! We need a goal to aim at so we don't just swim in murky puddle water. (There are a few things circulating that are helpful in showing the way forward.) And, absolutely people need to be called to account for their words and actions. The way forward just needs to be clearer and the acknowledgement that it is a long road walking intentionally (training) in the same direction that will bring about transformation.

I think we would all rather choose to follow someone who inspires us and calls us to do and live better. Just think back to school days and the teachers that you loved, not because they were not strict, but because they believed in you and spurred you on towards your goals, even if you messed up and failed along the way. We need people around us who will keep saying 'C'mon South Africa, you can do this, let's get up again, we can get this right. Let's keep going. Let's keep moving forward.'

Whenever I am on the treadmill, I get to watch swimming training go on in the pool below. This one particular teacher seems to be sought after (I am presuming the kids like her and she gets results). She takes the child's feet and flaps them up and down in the water for a while, then she lets go. The child then tries on their own (much slower) and then she takes the feet and flaps them up and down again. I have seen her take their arms and, over and over, make the arm go in the right position for swimming. She is always encouraging and continually showing them what the correct positions are. I see this muscle training in the same light as brain training. It starts with baby steps and much encouragement when we are learning something new. There will always be someone around us starting their journey towards something and they need the encouragement to keep going. There is also always someone else in another lane, who is much further along in their journey, maybe even at Olympic level. Those people have the choice to stay in their own lane and scoff at those who are only starting or who are not getting it, or they can use their expertise to encourage and inspire the beginners to follow after them. Be amazed at their progress. I watched the one mom get so excited at her young child's progress, with her camera in hand to record the event. She was so happy and smiling from ear to ear. We should always be excited at baby steps. I noticed one quite overweight person at the gym today - just imagine if someone had to say something negative to them and all their bravery to get this far just crumbled? How sad that would be. When someone starts the journey out of racism, don't scoff at their first basic steps just because you are further along in the journey. Encourage and spur them on in their journey. Each step forward in the right direction is worth getting excited about.

Our brains and muscles need time to learn new things and it's time and repetition that will get us there. Many people use the term 'recovering racist' just like someone walking out of addiction. It's a pretty apt term as white people growing up in apartheid South Africa grew up with racist attitudes everywhere and so for most it was the norm because brain pathways were set in that mode through time and repetition. The only way to renew, transform, change, recover from these set patterns is by new patterns learnt over time with much repetition. The focus always needs to be on the end goal. Addicts have a recovery plan when they come out of rehab and normally a support system around them to help keep them accountable. The question we maybe need to ask is where do we want to go? We are always going somewhere because we are goal seeking by nature. We need to choose and be very intentional about it. We need to set our language towards what we want and not what we don't want (the quote above speaks to this.)

Today was the first time in a few months that I was able to go back to gym. I have suffered quite badly with my asthma in recent months. In thinking about this blog, I was feeling mixed emotions with my exercise non-regime! It felt like starting all over again, but it's not really that, it's just a case of catching up to where I was and taking it forward from there. I had a choice - discouragement at the lost time or excitement that I was back and ready to go. We have a choice on a daily basis when we mess up in the way we treat others. We can get discouraged and say it's too hard to change and just give up, or we can be excited about getting back up and trying again. Put one foot in front of the other, be intentional and ask what's next? What was my goal again? Right, let's go. There are a few words and phrases that I believe could be hugely transforming in our way forward, and those are humility, interdependence and vulnerability. It will take great courage to express these but we will all benefit in the most excellent of ways. We need each other to see all there is to see. Brain pathways (like muscles in learning to swim) need time and lots of repetition to replace old thinking. The great news is, it can be done. There's such great hope for our country.

Running the race of life

I walked my 6th Park Run today. What a beautiful day it was. I was walking alone as my faster husband and daughter had gone ahead, and suddenly all the analogies of running/walking and the walk of life started flooding through my mind. Everything I saw and heard carried a double meaning. This often happens to me when I am in a place without the chance to take pen to paper, like when I am driving. Someone suggested that when I find myself in those situations that I make voice notes for later. I have recently acquired a new phone and didn't know how to make voice recordings, so I warned and then flooded my other daughter's Whatsap with about 10 voice notes as I was walking.

Here then are my musings from my walk...

It's good to get out there and actually see what other people are doing in life. There was much activity on this part of the beachfront today with the Park Run, the 5km Bellbuoy ocean swim and early morning walkers. Being social is important because we cannot learn from others if we live in isolation. It's actually easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other because you are watching others doing the same.

There are lots of challenges, obstructions and distractions along the way. There are hard, slogging parts (like the resistance of sand, dodging the water, walking over rocks, slippery surfaces) and then there are easier parts and relief after the hard parts. That brings about new sections (seasons) to tackle and overcome.

There was a t.shirt slogan that I saw that said - 'Who are you running for?' That's a good question to ask and answer.

It is of vital importance to have a goal that you are working towards because that makes the race worthwhile, it makes each step and hard part have a purpose.

When there is a common goal it seems to pull people together in areas where they often pull apart, like age, race, gender, class and religion.

It is also ok if you fall or stop to take a breath, as long as you get up again and keep going.

It is also ok to stop and take photos (stop and smell the roses) and create some fun on your journey and at the same time create happy memories to keep.

Exercise creates a dopamine release - the happy hormone. It gives you energy and the ability to say, 'I can do this!'

When running with one of your children and they ask to go ahead, it reminded me of the letting go part of parenting. Allow them to run their own race.

I also noted the value of support groups - being around people who are dealing with the same stuff as you. You are there to encourage, to be encouraged, to learn, to learn from, support, be supported, to cheer on and be cheered on. If one falls, there are others to pick you up.

There are volunteers along the way who guide you along the right track, encourage and cheer you on. This particular lady said that she has valued others cheering her on when she has been in a race. Reminded me of the value of mentors - those who inspire us, show us the way and challenge us. It gives us something to work towards.

You get to see varying levels of fitness and speed, some overtake you, some you get to overtake. It gives you something to work towards for your next run. Some run past you when you are walking and give you that little bit of energy to start running again. It makes you feel that you can also do that.

You hear lots of different conversations along the way. We need to take every bit of advice and information we can get along the walk of life. Learning from others. Being life-long learners ourselves.

There are different perspectives all around us, like me thinking that all the seaweed washed up on the shore smells quite awful, and a few minutes later I hear someone comment on the lovely smell!

That was a valuable walk for me and I come away just knowing that we all need each other in the race of life. Keep running/walking.

I have a dream for the youth of South Africa

I have a dream for the youth of South Africa...
To be able to dream dreams for their futures.
To have the confidence within themselves to pursue those dreams.
To have the life skills to understand life and what goes on around them.
To have the knowledge that they have worth and value without having to prove it to anyone.
To receive good education.
To have hope and vision for their futures.
To have the ability and courage to stand up for what is right and say no to what is wrong.
To show respect to all around them.
To lead the way.
To passionately care for their fellow South Africans.
To be the cheerleaders of anyone less fortunate than them.
To be children of character and integrity.
To be about bringing and speaking life.
To know who they are and why they are here. To know their purpose.
To have a positive, healthy self-esteem.
To be safe at all times.
To have a home and food to eat.
To form meaningful connections with others around them.
To be mentored by other passionate, caring South African adults.
To be shown they have value by the adult figures in their lives.
To raise standards to levels of excellence in all they do.
To make wise and good choices for their futures. To practice self-control.
To impact their peers and the world around them in a positive way. To make a difference.
To be passionate about leaving a powerful and positive legacy that others will celebrate and want to emulate.
To be real, genuine, honest and vulnerable.
To have good, healthy boundaries and to respect the boundaries of those around them.
To take ownership of their actions.
To be able to work together.
To practice humility and never see themselves as better or above the person next to them.
To rise above their circumstances.
To show courage in all they do.
To transform themselves by transforming the way they think.
To put 100% effort into all they do.
To be thankful and appreciative.
To be determined.
To be kind, selfless and generous.
To extend grace and forgiveness where necessary.
To fight for fairness and equality and justice for all.
To learn from failure.
To keep on growing in maturity. To have growth mindsets.
To engage life critically and meaningfully.
To be trustworthy.
To show a good attitude. To be people of peace who practice patience, gentleness and love with all they come into contact with.
To have good character oozing out of them, responsible, good citizens who care for their country, its people and resources and be people with perseverance, consistency, faithfulness, goodness, self-discipline, great decision-making skills, excellent quality of work and service.
To be persistent agents of change in their country.
To practice interdependence - 'we need each other to see all there is to see.'
To grow into adults with purpose and have a joyful hope for their futures.

This is the South Africa I dream of. This can be our South Africa.

"Give me the youth. Give me the nation." Anon
"Enabled youth. Changed Nation." Realstart
"We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future." Franklin. D. Roosevelt.